A fun thing to do is:
Wait until you’re almost forty, with two kids–teenagers, and start talking to your husband about having more kids. Remind him how he always said, “Wait until the kids are a little older,” and then say, “The kids are older.” Start asking him if he likes certain baby names. Pray that God will help you understand the strange unfulfilled nagging in your heart, and help you understand why you dream of little kids with big, sad, questioning eyes. Pray that your dreams will step out of your head at night and tiptoe across the pillows and then step down into your husband’s head, so that he can see them too. Wait. Tear up a little bit when your husband calls from work and says, “I found a toddler bed on Craigslist for a good deal. Want to go get it tonight?”
Actual things we have in our house now, that we didn’t a year ago:
that toddler bed, monkey, banana quilt
all sorts of wee knitted and sewn stuff
Don’t know where all this will lead. Just know God is leading me, leading me. Leading us. I told my friend last year that I hated that spot on every doctor form that says Mother’s occupation, because I don’t have one. But I do. I’m a mom. I take care of kids. And I love it. And I thought for a moment that it all had to come to an end when my kids are grown, but that’s not true.
It is cold and there is snow on the ground, and we are only allowed to miss one session of our foster parenting classes, and a year ago I would not have imagined that tonight my husband and I would be asking God to please help us be able to get down off this mountain tomorrow and make it to class.
A few weeks ago my husband and I were out and about doing errands and we began talking about what we should do for our twentieth anniversary at the end of this year. I ended up lamenting the fact that we never go anywhere. (I turn into a person of extremes in arguments.) At our next stop, I was walking through a store and saw a sign that said You are my bucket list. And then I was snaking back through the store to where my husband was like, “I looooove youuuuu. I just want youuuuu. Only youuuu. I don’t need to travel.”
It’s true. This is my bucket list. This life. Wherever it leads, it’s mine.